So, You’re Not a Billionaire but You Still Want Rights: 10 Tips to Buy a U.S. Supreme Court Justice on a Budget
U.S. Supreme Court officially for sale.
Pictured from left: Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas. Photo By Joe Ravi, Steve Petteway and U.S. government
WASHINGTON, DC — This morning Justice Samuel Alito publicly took a stand against Democratic lawmakers' recent efforts to tighten the ethics rules at the U.S. Supreme Court when he proudly posted a for-sale sign in front of “The Marble Palace”. When asked about the for-sale sign, Justice Alito said, “I am a very busy man, but if you want to check out my Amazon Wish List or my Patreon, maybe I can find a little time.”We bought this classy diamond and yellow gold ring for $10,597 on Amazon to score ten minutes with Justice Alito and find out more about the sale on SCOTUS Justices. 
This classy diamond and yellow gold ring is fit for a king. For the low, low price of only $10,597 with free shipping we scored 10 minutes with King Samuel Alito. Check out his Amazon Wish List and Patreon.
Justice Clarence Thomas joined us for the interview after we checked out his Amazon Wish List and purchased this diamond Jesus face pendant for $15,850. Justice Thomas explained that his billionaire buddies call him “The Claren-ado” because Harlan Crow says, “The Claren-ado whips in like a tornado of fun.” For our generous gift, Justice Thomas also allowed us to call him “The Claren-ado” just like his billionaire buddies Harlan Crow, David Sokol, Wayne Huizenga, and Tony Novelly do — so we’re going to get our money’s worth. 
This elegant diamond Jesus face pendant is also for fit for a king. For only $15,850 with free shipping, we gained face time with Justice Clarence Thomas. He even let us call him “The Claren-ado” just like his billionaire friends do. Check out his Amazon Wish List!
We had a pleasant conversation, during which Alito explained “even though we’re appointed kings for life, we’re still really just ordinary people. We’re all individuals with individual tastes. Asking what to buy a Supreme Court Justice is like asking what to buy your girlfriend. What does she like? What speaks to her? Does she like yachts or diamonds or both?” Justice Thomas chimed in and added, “Both, I like both. I like a good land-yacht too. And a house. Oh, and education. Do you know how expensive education is?” Justice Kavanaugh popped his head in the door and clarified, “The Claren-ado means RVs — recreational vehicles. He calls them land-yachts. You know me. I’ll take a beer on a water-yacht or a land-yacht. I like beer.” Justice Amy Coney Barrett joined the conversation adding that after spending 85 years on the bench, she would like to be canonized Saint Amy: patron saint of the itty-bitty, cutie-wootie, unborn babies. Chief Justice Roberts was not immediately available for comment, but he could be heard in the hallway singing Tom Petty’s It’s Good to Be King, “… and have your own world. It helps to make friends, it's good to meet girls…” 
This photo of Chief Justice Roberts is brought to you by Burger King “because they beat out Carl’s Jr. and offered a fun hat.”
Photo By Steve Petteway and HiClipart
The Justices appeared to be in good spirits after Alito’s announcement that the U.S. Supreme Court is for sale. Each of the Justices we spoke with echoed Alito’s sentiment that it’s good to get to know your federal judge and tailor your gifts to their individual preferences. They also reminded us that U.S. Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life, so we have plenty of time to plan for their birthday gifts.Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I’m struggling to pay rent and student loans as it is. How could I ever afford a Supreme Court Justice?” Well, have no fear, my friend. We analyzed the Justices’ most popular preferences and gathered money-saving tips so you can add a SCOTUS Justice to your budget.1. College Tuition
There are a number of money-saving tips for higher education and many of these can be utilized to sponsor the education of a dependent of a Supreme Court Justice. For instance, you can use your low-income status to your advantage by applying for Federal Pell Grants and other low-income grants and scholarships. Adult adoption can be significantly less expensive than adopting a minor child, so in some instances it may be helpful to convince your SCOTUS beneficiary to take a gap year to facilitate adult adoption prior to submitting your FAFSA. 
Who are you kidding? You can’t pay off the loans you have now – what difference will it really make?
Cartoon BY: fewings.ca
2. Organ Donation
U.S. Supreme Court Justices serve a life term. Keep yours alive for longer through the gift of organ donation. In 2012, a black market human liver cost about $157,000, and a kidney cost about $262,000. If you (or your nemesis) have a healthy liver or kidneys, it may be worth checking to see if you (or your nemesis) are a donor match for a Supreme Court Justice. 
Justice Brett Kavanaugh likes beer.
Photo source: Jon Cooper
3. Become a QAnon Influencer
As the saying goes, “happy wife, happy life.” So, what makes The Claren-ado’s wife Ginni Thomas happy? QAnon. If you’ve got more time than money, get those creative juices flowing and become a “QAnon baker” by starting a QAnon blog, podcast, or YouTube channel. Don’t forget your SEO and social media campaigns and you could earn yourself a friend in Ginni Thomas for little to no upfront financial investment.
QAnon Fun Fact!: The theater is a wonderful place to unwind and avoid detection by The Deep State.
From left: Justice Clarence “The Claren-ado” Thomas, QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley, QAnon activist Virginia “Ginni” Thomas. Photo Source: Politico and Manuel Balce Ceneta/Associated Press
4. Travel Rewards Programs
Who doesn’t love to travel? Save up your travel rewards and earn luxury vacation experiences to share with your Supreme Court Justice. Open a credit card affiliated with your favorite travel loyalty rewards program and amplify your earning potential. Accelerate your earnings even faster by traveling for work or by living in a hotel full-time. The sacrifice to your family may be well worth the lifetime of perks that come with owning a SCOTUS Justice.
Justice Clarence “The Claren-ado” Thomas with wife and QAnon activist Virginia “Ginni” Thomas relaxing in the pool at a luxury resort and spa in a remote location unknown to The Deep State.
Photo by Engin Akyurt and Politico
5. Drugs
Now, everyone’s got their drug of choice, so we don’t want to negate earlier advice to personalize your gifts. After all, Justice Kavanaugh makes room in his calendar for beer and we’re sure Ginni Thomas would be tickled pink to receive a vial of adrenochrome. However, there is one drug that may be universally influential with any Supreme Court Justice: scopolamine. Scopolamine is not a scheduled drug under the Controlled Substances Act, which makes it a hit with federal judges. Low doses of scopolamine are prescribed to alleviate symptoms of motion sickness, and high doses are popular with South American criminals who employ the chemical to gain “mind control” over their victims. The drug is also called burundanga because it is derived from the brugmansia plant, a.k.a. “angel’s trumpets.” Be sure to take proper safety precautions if adding “angel’s trumpets” to your garden!6. Start a church, pool money with friends, enjoy extra rights & tax benefits!
They say everything is better when shared with a friend, and why should your Supreme Court Justice be any different? Take advantage of the extra rights and tax-exempt status offered to churches and pool your funds with your friends. TV evangelist and millionaire Joel Osteen recommends lining church walls with cash for further investment opportunities. The richest pastor in the world, Televangelist Kenneth Copeland, has already done the heavy lifting when it comes to purchasing private jets with church funds; check out his instructional book: “Get on God’s Gulfstream: Ditch the Demon Tube.”
Flights without demons are shown to be more relaxing!
From left: Youth Minister Kelvin Gemstone, Head Pastor of Gemstone Ministries and Gemstone Salvation Center Dr. Elijah Gemstone, Judy Gemstone, Associate Pastor Jesse Gemstone, QAnon activist Virginia “Ginni” Thomas, Amber Gemstone, Justice Clarence “The Claren-ado” Thomas. Photo Sources: HBO and Paul Morigi / Getty Images file
7. Petition for Sainthood
Since Roman Catholicism recently became the new state-sponsored religion, Justice Amy Coney Barret is not the only U.S. Supreme Court Justice who would appreciate being canonized as a saint. There are six conservative Catholics on the bench to pick from: Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Clarence “The Claren-ado” Thomas, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Barrett, plus a bonus liberal Catholic Justice Sonia Sotomayor. You heard right, seven out of nine Justices may likely appreciate the gift of Catholic sainthood. Simply contact your local Catholic bishop and open a dialogue about petitioning the pope to fast-track your favorite Supreme Court Justice to early sainthood. This is another opportunity to gather your friends and get your creative juices flowing to brainstorm miracles to attribute to your SCOTUS Justice. Pope John Paul has made sainthood easier than ever, so here’s a great opportunity to really make your thoughts and prayers count!SCOTUS Fun Fact!
78% of U.S. Supreme Court Justices are Catholic, while only
21% of Americans are Catholic.
There is fierce competition for the title “patron saint of protecting the Catholic Church from unfairly sexy children and their meany-head attorneys.” Help your SCOTUS Justice claim the coveted title today!
Standing from left: Future Catholic Saints and Justices Amy Coney Barrett, Neil M. Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh, and Protestant Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. Seated from left: Future Catholic Saints and Justices Sonia Sotomayor, Clarence “The Claren-ado” Thomas, Future Saint and Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., Future Saint and Justice Samuel A. Alito and Jewish Justice Elena Kagan.
Photo by Naomi DeGuerre with assistance from Fred Schilling
8. Take up Art Forgery
While a Picasso can fetch millions at auction, the painting is still considered a “priceless” work of art. Believe it or not, “priceless” works of art may alleviate some of the ethical concerns that Supreme Court Justices face when reporting the value of gifts. When asked for further explanation, Future Catholic Saint and Chief Justice John Roberts said, “who’s gonna stop me — Congress? Hah! I report to a higher authority. As you know, we are ‘One Nation under God,’ and I confess my sins on a regular basis.” When asked if he confessed his sins after the recent rulings regarding student loan forgiveness, affirmative action, women’s health and bodily autonomy, and LGBTQ+ civil rights, he turned bright red, declined to comment further, and slammed the door in our face.It’s still probably not a good look for a SCOTUS Justice to auction off a priceless Da Vinci, so the chances you’ll get caught for forgery are quite low. No art skills? No problem! Check out Jackson Pollock.
Art Forgery Fun Fact!
Fake “La Femme Au Chapeau Bleu” attributed to Picasso sold for $5 Million. (Image By Pablo Picasso)
Fake “Salvator Mundi” attributed to Davinci sold for $450 Million. (Image By Leonardo da Vinci - Getty Images, Public Domain)
Real “Number 5, 1948” by Jackson Pollock sold for $140 million. (Image By Jackson Pollock)
9. Find Foreign Financiers
Sometimes it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Do you have an Uncle Vlad in Russia with an insatiable hunger for more power? Maybe you have a wealthy Cousin Kim in North Korea, or a rich Brother Xi in China. While foreign financing may have some downsides, it can be worth looking into because this type of funding may not need to be repaid, and because Justices tend to prefer an intermediary in these situations. That intermediary could be you!
Group photo of U.S. Supreme Court Justices with potential foreign financiers.
Top row from left: President of China Xi Jinping, Justice Amy Coney Barrett, President of Russia Vladimir Putin, Justice Neil M. Gorsuch, Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, Dr. Evil with Mr. Bigglesworth, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, Supervillain Secret Agent Felonious Gru. Middle row from left: Justices Sonia Sotomayor, Clarence “The Claren-ado” Thomas, Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., and Justices Samuel A. Alito and Elena Kagan. Bottom row from left: Mistress of All Evil Maleficent, Grand Vizier of Agrabah Jafar, Sea Witch Ursula, The Evil Queen from a castle far away, London heiress and fashion designer Cruella de Vil, Pirate Captain James Hook. Photo by Naomi DeGuerre with assistance from Fred Schilling, Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images, FILE, Kremlin.ru, CC BY 4.0, Austin Powers, Despicable Me, The Walt Disney Company and pngwing
10. Discount Yachting on a Reality TV Show
If there is one thing we have learned from The Claren-ado, it’s that U.S. Supreme Court Justices love yachts. Have no fear mon frère, your yachtie extreme-couponing tip is here. While hiring the yachts seen on Bravo’s Below Deck would normally cost between $140,000 and $300,000 a week (plus gratuity, food & drink, and other fees), guests of the show score 50% off and airfare is covered. As an added bonus, the camera crew is included! This option helps your Supreme Court Justice maintain transparency and demonstrate their high ethical standards to the American people. Now that is a win-win-win situation!
“Are you sure that camera crew wasn’t sent by The Deep State?”
From left: QAnon activist Virginia “Ginni” Thomas, Captain Lee Rosbach, Justice Clarence “The Claren-ado” Thomas, Chief Steward Kate Chastain, crew of Motoryacht Honor. Photo credits: Greg Endries/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal via Getty Images and Paul Morigi / Getty Images file
11. *Bonus Tip… if you happen to be The Philly Phanatic*
If you happen to be the mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies, just go talk to Justice Alito. He kept asking if we knew you, or if we knew anyone who knew you, or if we knew what neighborhood you lived in. The guy really wants to meet you. This poorly photoshopped picture is the only photo on his desk. We’re not sure what he’s going to do if he doesn’t meet you, but it didn’t sound very good. You should probably get in touch just in case. Just do the guy a favor, OK? Call him. Please. Your country thanks you.
“Weee!”
Photo by Naomi DeGuerre with assistance from Steve Petteway and Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports.
— At The Mmm Good Times we value our reader’s perspectives. If you happen to have an enterprising Uncle Vlad in Russia or another promising lead on foreign financing, please DM us on X (formerly Twitter). Please comment below if you have tried, or plan to try, any of these money saving tips to buy a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. We’d also love to hear any new low-budget ideas our readers have. Let’s have a discussion, maybe we can pool our funds and start a church. Who knows — the sky’s the limit now that the highest Court in the land has clearly defined the price tag for Justice and Human Rights. Mmm… Good Times!*Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, and this should not be considered legal advice. You should seek appropriate counsel for your own situation.
