Congresswoman Lauren Boebert Opens Shooters Daycare and Petting Zoo
Grand Opening of Shooters Daycare and Petting Zoo - Image by Naomi DePlume with help from Congresswoman Boebert, Microsoft Office and Céline Chamiot-Poncet
RIFLE, CO — Since Congresswoman Lauren Boebert’s gun-themed restaurant Shooters Grill closed in July, this weekend the Colorado Representative held the grand opening of her new business venture: Shooters Day Care and Petting Zoo. The Republican representative and gun advocate said, “closing Shooters Grill was a heartbreaking loss to the community and I couldn’t think of a better way to fill that hole than to share my love of guns with the children.” Lauren Boebert currently serves as the U.S. Representative to Colorado’s 3rd congressional district, and we’re told she gives a pretty decent over-the-pants “handy”. She announced the grand opening of her new business on Twitter saying, “At Shooters Daycare and Petting Zoo, we got your six and your six-year-old. #ShootersDayCare #Patriot #Christian #Nationalism #America” When asked about safety precautions at the gun-themed daycare and petting zoo, Representative Boebert says “the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. So, we don’t allow any Muslim terrorists. We only admit good Christian children into our program, and we require proof of Baptism — real proof, the long form, not that short-form Obama bullshit. In fact, we hope to build an army of good Christian soldiers. Lots of good guys with guns — guns for Jesus.”Saturday’s grand opening resulted in one animal fatality and multiple injuries when 4-year-old Billy Hutchinson shot a cuddly sheep in the petting zoo. Witnesses report that Sally Bishop, a staff member at Shooters Daycare and Petting Zoo, had announced “snack time.” At this time, Billy drew his Glock 19 and shot the sheep. The deceased sheep was reportedly named Saint John the Baaaa-ptist.
Cuddly sheep that are still alive and not deceased.
Several witnesses were injured as petting-zoo animals scattered in response to the loud and sudden bang emitted by the discharged firearm. Several bystanders suffered minor injuries resulting from the initial mass panic. Witness Matt Harwood described the incident as “a scene from Kindergarten Cop 2, but starring the Three Stooges and directed by Quentin Tarantino. Thankfully it was the part of the Tarantino movie before all the shooting and crying starts. You know the part where there’s a really fun song. But there was no really fun song. And then the crying started.”
Young girl kissing a bunny at a normal, gun-free petting zoo.
Congresswoman Boebert responded to the incident by saying, “we really see this as a sign of God’s blessing. It’s a miracle and it’s also proof that our safety precautions are working. It seems Jesus is really smiling down on us today.”
Not Saint John the Baaaa-ptist - a different sheep. Perhaps a cousin.
Rep. Boebert added, “little Billy there just showed us he’s going to be a great provider someday. He took the sheep in one shot, so he’s got good aim. And we hope little Billy joins us at Shooters Daycare and Petting Zoo. We can nurture his gifts and help Billy do all sorts of wonderful things. He could grow up to capture illegals, blow up abortion clinics, or even lead the white Christian nationalist revolution in our fight for liberty from the left-wing, liberal lunatics. We see a bright future for Billy and for Shooters Daycare and Petting Zoo.”
Timmy Phillips, the youngest member of the Proud Boys.
Donald Trump Jr. made an appearance at the event and commented on the shooting incident by saying, “there’s nothing wrong with so-called canned hunting, and I’m still a real man with a real rhinoceros trophy on my wall. I’m still a real man. My father is proud of me. My father is proud of me because I’m a winner. I know it, my father knows it, you know it, and the rhino knows it. I’m a winner, not a loser. I’m a winner. I’m not a loser. I’m not. I’m a winner.”
This Rhinoceros knows Donald Trump Jr. is a winner, not a loser.
Boebert’s frenemy in the House Freedom Caucus, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene commented on the event saying, “that little bitch. That was my idea, and she didn’t even invite me. Traitorous little bitch. I hope the Jewish space lasers burn the place down.”
When speaking with gun advocates, spelling words with the NATO Alphabet puts them at ease. Try it at home.
After the shooting incident, Sally Bishop reportedly ushered visitors back inside the establishment clarifying that peanut butter crackers and grape juice will be served at snack time. While handing out snacks, Ms. Bishop led the children in singing the NATO Alphabet. Five-year-old Jenny Peterson reports, “the NATO Alphabet song starts to fall apart around Uniform, Bictor, Wessley, X-Ray, but I didn’t get to that part anyway because I had too many peanut butter crackers and not enough grape juice. They should have more grape juice. Grape juice and fruit punch. Red fruit punch is my favorite and grape juice is my second favorite. But my mom says that’s too much sugar and too much sugar is bad for you.” —— At The Mmm Good Times we value our reader’s perspectives. What’s your favorite kind of juice? And how concerned are you with the sugar content of your juice? Please comment below.
Do peanut butter crackers require juice?
