Retired Submarine Engineer Says, “I can’t tell you because I can no longer kill you.”
Image source: iStock via USCDornsife
GROTON, CT — Responding to questions about her former career specializing in nuclear submarine construction and maintenance, retired mechanical engineer "Regina Phalange" says, “I can’t tell you because I can no longer kill you.” She appeared to imply that, had she not retired she could have told me, but then she would be under obligation to kill me as a matter of national security. When asked “Pretty please with sugar on top?” "Ms. Phalange" relented and agreed to share details that she is “pretty sure” won’t get her in trouble. 
Photo by The Lean Submariner
💡 Official U.S. Navy Policy – “Shut up or work for U.S. Air Force!”
“I can tell you that Groton, Connecticut — aka rotten Groton — is apparently the ‘Submarine Capital of the World’ because it’s written on a sign along Interstate 95.” She explained that because this information is written on a sign along a major interstate, it is a good indicator that the information is not classified.
Photo by Christy Burton
💡 National Security Tip - Submarine information learned while driving along an interstate highway is highly unlikely to be classified information!
"Ms. Phalange" explained that classified material is supposed to be stored in an appropriate safe meant solely for the purpose of storing classified information and that the information must be guarded when removed from the safe for use. When asked if the classified documents in the below photographs appeared to be in a safe suitable for classified information, she confirmed that these documents do not appear to be in a safe at all, but instead, they appeared to be in paper boxes on a hotel floor, and in an oddly decorated bathroom. She further clarified that a paper box is not a safe, expanding that she has never seen a classified material safe made of cardboard or containing a toilet.
💡 Paper boxes are NOT suitable safes for classified material.
Left: This image contained in a court filing by the Department of Justice on Aug. 30, 2022, and partially redacted by the source, shows a photo of documents seized during the Aug. 8 FBI search of former President Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate.
💡 Classified material safes generally DO NOT contain a toilet.
Right image source: U.S. Justice Department, via Reuters and The New York Times
"Ms. Phalange" told us that her favorite slang term of endearment for submariners is “bubblehead,” and that sailors eat ‘hamsters’ and drink ‘bug juice’ while underway.
Image by Naomi DeGuerre with help from Nikolett Emmert and r/TattooDesigns.
This former shipyard foreman informed us that commissioned submarines have a distinct odor that clings to your clothing after working on the boat for extended periods. She explained that the best way to describe the odor dubbed “eau de Boat” is a delightful fusion of cheeseburgers and motor oil. "Ms. Phalange" says certain strip-mall parking lots induce a feeling of nostalgia for her shipyard days, specifically parking lots where mechanics neighbor fast-food restaurants.
Image sources: Tripadvisor, Wendy’s, KFC, Carl’s Jr. , The Wolf of Franchises, Raysonho, Tire Business, Brakes Plus, RepairPal, United States Navy with the ID 040730-N-1234E-002, Thiep Nguyen, William Carlisle/U.S. Navy, Fabio Pena/U.S. Navy, James R. Evans/U.S. Navy
💡 Low-risk Submarine Experience - Next time you visit a strip mall, check to see if you can smell a submarine! Download this handy infographic to help you identify signature scents!
Download your FREE Eau de Boat Infographic!
When asked about the condiments available in the U.S. Submarine Force, "Ms. Phalange" appeared to change the subject, informing us that “Australian ‘Burger King’ is called ‘Hungry Jack’s.’” When pressed further, she responded that she did not have specific permission to comment on any top-secret recipes or other intellectual property (IP), and advised us that she would need to consult with an attorney to comment further.
Image by 800 Tonnes.
💡 U.S. Navy Style Fact – A submarine is a boat; but a ship, such as an aircraft carrier, is NOT a boat!
